where is me????????????

being a mum is pretty hard.. i wonder if my mum faced those same problems...

sometimes i'm too busy with all the duties, trying to full fill them all .. all the freaking time, i cant seem to find my self anymore, she is distracted with putting that back in place, watching out for the kooki he will fall off this, he needs to be changed, he needs to be fed, the dished are dirty , the beds need to be made.... and so on and so on... i know not many of us find the courage to say it out loud.. but i am sick of it sometimes i am bored out of my mind

i want to sleep in, i want to go to work, i want to see my friends, i want to sit on the beach and even better i want to dive... i want to have a long drive a;lone and sing out loud on a highway

and the funniest part is the moment someone takes away my baby to relieve me or when my hubby goes away.. time flies and my brain looses its focus and still i can't have any fun either... what the hell is wrong with me.... where is me "uslan" i can't go back and find her yet i cam not comfortable with that indecisive-trying-to-hard-to-please-and-yet-failing-bitch

why is it my job to clean, to feed to change to raise and discipline at the same time and yet that should be the default that counts for nothing to more over i have to work and achieve other things like you too??
why is it that it should be easy for me to do the cores, take care of the kid.. get the groceries out of the car, with the baby and his stuff also my stuff too 3adeee??
why .. why .. why?
i am a person not a super woman.. i am normal i am imperfect i want to breakdown but i cant afford to why all those things are depending on me and the moment i fall apart, everything will shatter around me and then again it is my job to pick up the pieces and start over.....

Sometimes I look at the mirror and wonder,
where did ME go,

Is this who I thought I’d be
how did these days just flow

Am I happy I ask myself?

Or did I let myself go.. or grow?
I still can’t find the answer
and will I ever will.. I don’t know

get out of my head

this is an argument that goes in my head or between my and my family...

" are you gng to be a housewife?" " what about your career ?" , or with my friends " you should put him in a nursery" " why are you dong this to your self?" " he should learn to adapt"

it does bother me that my life has changed, it sometimes smothers me that i can't go out on a whim, take a walk, go to the gym, or sleep when i want and wake up when i want, it does bother me that my career or work is on hold and yes it does contribute to my sense of satisfaction, but...

i am not myself anymore.... i am a new me, and i should adapt and you should be supportive, a little over 2 years back i was alone and in charge on my own life, 2 years back i have a house and a husband, i have to cook,clean and all the other chores which i didn't do before, and i have a new person to obey and please and its a responsibility that should be respected..

a year ago i became a mum, shocked at the responsibility i sulked for months and months, but come on c'est la vie,i am not gng to be 20 forever i should be grateful for all the things i used to do and experienced, time for new stuff and in order to embrace something new you have to let go of something old.... its not better or worse its different.. life changes and so do we, and there is nothign to stop that... so get out of my head

how it all started

after long and draining arguments, preparations, and all the stuff that goes with it, i was finally married... happy ending, but there's a trick, its not an ending at all its the end of a phase and the beginning of the rest of your life, i still remember the shock of the first day after i returned from my honeymoon, to a messy apartment that needs cleaning and two weeks worth of laundry of two, and 2 meals in the fridge and then it hit me.......... i have to do EVERYTHING MYSELF ..(that wasn't the highlight of my marriage at all...lol)

trying to keep my work and manage a house was quite a task that i didn't get the hang of till this moment, and being the obsessive person that i am trying to go on with my life like nothing changed, which proved to be quite a challenge...

3 months after my wedding "big surprise" i was pregnant.... me , having a kid, i am a kid myself, i can barely keep it together... i remember all those thoughts running through my head. my husband was thrilled, he is one of those rare breeds of men who love kids, but hten again they dnt get pregnant do they, they dnt give birth and they certainly dnt wake up every 2 hours to breast feed or feed for that matter. on the other hand, my family were from indifferent to discouraging , i heard things like why now? its too early, why did you do that to urself just now, which are not exactly the things you want to hear while ur pregnant...

again i tried to go on with my life as if nothing changed, my pregnancy was more or less tolerable, except for the sleepiness and common symptoms, but over all leaving aside the terrible body image it was fine..

and 9 months later.... my baby was here

blogging again

time changed .. i changed.. and again i felt the desire to rant, i don't think anyone could relate unless they are new mums just like me, it might not make sense to other people, or one might think i am a psychopath, that is not the case, its just that life is not how it looks on a box of pampers or cerelac commercial, life is tough for mums and the only way to appreciate it is to go through it, cause most will not talk about it for fear of judgement.

hopefully my little monster would allow me to post later :)